Hello blog, i’m not sure how one begins a post like this one, but i guess I should start at the beginning. This morning my dad drove me to school, and on the way there nobody talked. When I asked him about when he worked he replied. Then he just came out and said, “I think you should know that your mom and I talked and we have broken up”. Or something like that I wasn’t really paying attention to the exact words… A few days ago we had a conversation about what the future might hold and some struggles he and my mom were having, but even though he mentioned separating it didn’t quite register, nor did I think it was ever seriously going to come to that. Again I don’t really remember what he said after that, except the typical cliche “I still love you very much” and “this doesn’t change our relationship at all”. By the time we got to the school, he was still talking about details and what was going to happen, like how he couldn’t afford to move out right away, but he would try to be gone by May as per my moms wishes. And he probably would have kept talking, but I just had to escape. I gave him tight hug and basically ran out of the car… There was a school bus parked in front us, and I could feel tears already running down my face and at that moment I just remember praying no one was in the bus, so they wouldn’t see me cry. I laugh now in hindsight because when I walked into the office I remember brushing my tears off to the secretary as allergies and we both joked about how miserable having headaches and being stuffy is. I have a first period spare, and I was early so I just ended up in the library with my headphones in, and I felt okay for the rest of the hour. But then once second period started I just felt like I’d
been hit by a truck and punched in the gut. I tried so hard to hold onto my last shred of composure and stability, but then I got a text from my friend Adam asking me if I was okay, cause he had seen me crying from inside of the stupid yellow bus in front of the school. I was in the middle of math and I just tried to put my hair in front of my eyes as I asked to go to the bathroom.
I’ve always prided myself on the fact I’ve never EVER cried at school (aside from actual injuries) because I am proud of myself for being able to see the silver lining in every situation, and to pull myself up by the bootstraps cause I’ve always had to do so. But as I fell into the thankfully empty girls washroom and into the last stall I just broke.
I can’t even type this right now without sobbing. I’m not even ashamed to say I am an ugly crier. I just need a minute…
I had to stay for a solid ten minutes in the bathroom that by some miracle stayed empty fighting myself for control. I’ve never tried so hard to keep it together and failed. I had a text from my dad too and I couldn’t even read the first sentence because it made it feel too real. Cold water and toilet paper couldn’t erase or hide the bloodshot eyes that I had then and have now. The rest of the day felt so long, and I ended up back in that boxing ring, my tears versus my willpower, with my mitts tied tied tight three more times. I don’t know if it was a cruel ironic twist of fate, but it was freezing rain all day. Gotta love some pathetic fallacy. Thank goodness for my ipod, because I don’t know what would’ve happened if I had to be alone with my thoughts and my new reality all day.
All that keeps buzzing around in my head is the words my mom said. “Sometimes love isn’t enough”. Maybe it’s just me being naive or inexperienced in love and life, but if you don’t hold on to the people who love you so badly it hurts what is left?My step-dad and mom were engaged, and yeah I am aware it wasn’t official, but I can’t help but think of those would-be wedding vows. “For better or for worse”. “For richer or for poorer”. “In sickness and in health”. Those vows to me are all just synonyms for “Love is enough, and I love you”. It’s crazy, because I feel like the whole concept is just too ridiculous to grasp. I obviously don’t know the whole story and what did or did not happen to lead up to this. What makes me angry though is the assumption that it’s not my relationship so it doesn’t affect me. Of course it does! Actually I digress, because if I continue on this path this post will be a mile long haha It doesn’t feel real and I know that it won’t for a while. I am grateful for the time we did have as a whole family, but i’m also bitter for having to be shattered once again. I just want somebody to rub my back and tell me it will be okay, but I also would rather hear the ugly truth than a beautiful lie. It’s pretty late and I’m so physically and emotionally drained. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.